I know you no longer lock jaded eyes with me but I have learnt every inch of you by heart.
I have memorised the way your razor-sharp jaw clenches when you think too hard
and the way your smile only reveals the chip on your front tooth when it’s genuine.
And even though I have faded in your mind, I remember how the edges of your eyelids crease ever so slightly when you smile
and the way you flock your hair back when it falls over your forehead is comparable to the way birds take flight.
I adore the way you laugh - it shakes your whole body and illuminates you from the inside like sunbeams flowing out of your veins
and my God, you look so beautiful when you laugh.
But I wonder, did you know that your eyes no longer light up like the stars among the velvet of the night sky?
Your hands are always curled up in angry fists; knuckles clenched tight and I haven’t heard you laugh in months and months and months.
I just want you to be okay but I can’t.
I have no right to peek through the chink in your amour and I no longer can trace the hollows of your shoulders. I can’t make you okay again because I’m the one who tore you to shreds.
But I wish I could, darling, I wish I could."
It has been almost six years now and I am no longer the same person you left behind in the dirt on the morning of my birthday;
I have stopped folding myself into tiny corners to satisfy those that are undeserving of my presence
and I refuse to continue shattering myself to oblivion.
I am perfect.
The air that I breathe into my battered lungs fuels forest fires capable of burning down the globe
and three quarters of me is made up of the water that drowns entire countries into deep nothingness.
Despite tsunami waves of self-loathing,
I know I am a gift from God:
I have been fashioned from clay so beautifully that the Angels have bowed down in the mere presence of mankind.
My existence should not need to demand an apology - even diamonds are only carbon and I am so much more than them.
There are as many atoms in a single molecule of my DNA as there are stars in the night sky,
and I can conquer cities with these constellations illuminating from within me.
I am an entire universe darling,
and I am not sorry for it.